Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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