I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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