piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
