i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
