woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
