Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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