Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
