I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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