That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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