only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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