i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
