if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Plan B is the new Plan A
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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