I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
