I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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