I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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