My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
