I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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