we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We're too hungover to prance.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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