May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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