Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
