my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
