I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
