i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
