So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
