Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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