Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We named our party play list daddy issues
only if we run a train.
done.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
