Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
