Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm at about main and main street
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
