My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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