Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
