i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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