I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
