new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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