I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
