i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
