im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
