Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
