a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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