listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
