all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
