the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
