dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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