Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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