you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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