Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
