If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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