I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
