im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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