At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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