I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
