So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
