Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
